Haircuts! Height! Hillary! Heteros!

Or as Sassywho said who's gonna be the President Idol?
The corporate media, pundits and political talkshow hosts really want you to know a few things.

Because these things are important.


NY City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (former R, former D, current I) has declared his independence from the Republican Party. The yakker swarm is busy with speculation over whether this signals Bloomberg's possible run for the Whitehouse.

But first you need to know that he's Jewish. He's rich. He's short. He's single. He's Jewish. He might be gay. He once was a Democrat. He's short. He's Jewish. His last name is Bloomberg.

This reminds me of the talkshow circle-jerk of a few weeks ago when potential Republican contender and Re-Reagan Fred Thompson quit Law & Order which signals to the blah, blahers that he's about to throw his well-worn fedora into the presidential ring.

That triggered its own round of speculation and reports on all sorts of useless information.

Thompson is like Reagan. He's a great communicator. He's an actor. He's a good actor. He's southern fried. He's authentic southern. He has a red truck. He smells of English Leather and Old Spice and cigars. He looks like he's t home in a wood panelled library with heavy, masculine leather furniture. He has a deep, sonorous voice. He's an actor like Reagan! He's tall. His jowly cheeks make him look serious. He's a Daddy type.

How about John Edwards? He's pretty. Too pretty for a boy, if you know what I mean. He gets fancy haircuts that cost $400. His wife is sick with something. He's a lawyer. He made lots of money suing people. He has a big house. He's very pretty. He's rich - how can he care about poor people?

Or what about that Hillary Clinton? She's shrill. She's a bit bitchy. She is married to Bill, but do they sleep together? She failed with her health plan in the 1990s. She's a woman. She's trying to sound tough about the war so the boys who think a girl can't be the Commander in Chief won't call her a pussy. They won't call her a pussy. They'll call her a bitch. She's not really from New York, she's from Illinois. She voted for the war in Iraq and won't take it back. That makes her a shrill bitch, doesn't it?

And Rudy? He's been married a couple of times, but he's America's mayor and he's tough on terrorism because he walked around New York City on 9/11 with a dust mask on his face. He also had a nice windbreaker that made him look tough and serious. He has trouble making up his mind about abortion, but that's okay because he's really serious about protecting this country. He's tough and strong. And he says 9/11 alot.

Mitt's tall and handsome and has a nice jawline. His hair is graying just around the temples and it looks sexy. He's a Mormon which is kind of a mystery, but he's handsome. He's rich. He's tall. His wife is blond and their sex life is none of our business, but we know they've done it a few times because they have tall, handsome, rich sons.

How could I forget Barack? He's black. African American. Well, half. He's young and inexperienced. He likes to talk alot. His wife Michelle could be a liability or asset. She knows how to use a microphone, too. She's black. Barack and Michelle are African Americans. He's still learning that he needs to give simple, short answers to the American people who are easily distracted and can't focus on....

There are some other guys who have said they want to be president. There are a couple who've been out and about talking about things that sound like they may want to run for president, but they haven't made it official. The pundits like to talk about them when they say something kind of crazy or controversial.

The media is critical to our democracy. The information they provide is so totally important to how we'll vote in 2008. Let's review...

Short or Tall?

Rich or Richer?

Boy or Girl?

Black or White?

Tough or Terrorist Sympathizer?

Right Religion or Other Religion?

Smarty Pants or Straight Shooter?

Southern or Liberal?

My DCups runneth over with meaningless information about our 2008 presidential candidates, courtesy of our corporate media.

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Anonymous Adam said...

Hah, thanks. That was well-stated and disturbingly close to actuality.

July 14, 2007 at 11:36 AM  

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