Never Enough Strip Clubs and Gin Joints

Once in a while, I write a good political piece. In comments, someone will say "You should run for office."

In this post, I revealed some things about myself that essentially make it impossible for me to run for office. To be honest, having been the daughter of an elected county official, I'm a bit jaded on the whole thing. My fantasy is to be policy person for an elected official. A behind the scenes wonk, perhaps. But the person at the microphone?

It could never be.

The sad reality is that even if I thought I could make a positive impact as a public official or as a policy staffer for an elected official, because I'm an atheistic equal opportunity sex monkey, I would be considered poison in most parts of the U.S.

We have a ridiculous, unwritten standard for who can serve our nation. Openly gay people cannot serve in the military. Homosexual teachers still don't come out for fear of persecution in some places. There are only one or two Congressional who do not claim to follow a religion. The Boy Scouts still have a ban on homosexuals in leadership.

Bottom line: in many places and to some degree everywhere, we have a religious and clean living test for public officials.

Because, as a nation, we're so incredibly religious and clean living.

So I've mulled this briefly. Americans, if they bother at all, listen to the media - some even read newspapers - and think that they know which 2008 presidential candidates most closely resemble their views.

They're mostly wrong as my blogpal Erudite Redneck found out.

Collectively, we're woefully ill-informed about where candidates stand on issues that matter to us. Each of us must do a little truth seeking to find out where candidates stand. Hey. We ain't gonna do it. Let the media tell us what they think we need to know to cast an intelligent vote. We're a bunch of fat, lazy fuckers. Not only do we not get enough exercise, we don't get exercised enough about the injustice, thievery and numbskullery that goes on in our name, using our tax dollars.

Do we like being stupid?

So while the media is prepping to tell us all over again about a blue GAP dress and cigars in twats and late night pizza and pussy deliveries, we still won't know the details of Senator Clinton's health care plan. We'll know how much John Edwards's manicures cost and how many cigarettes a day Barack Obama smokes. We might even find out how often Mitt Romney's spray-on tan is reapplied or what size adult diapers Giuliani wears. Hells bells, I wouldn't be surprised if we find out that Fred Thompson prefers playing with his young wife's left tit to her right tit during reverse cowgirl.

As a bone to the snarling Christian Conservative dog, we'll be treated to tales of great piety, prayer and positive feedback from the man upstairs. We'll have to know who goes to church, who helps out his youth group and how many cookies Hillary's staff baked for her local church fundraiser.

Because that's such a good measure of how one might govern or perform his or her duties as a politician, where it's all about altruism, peace, justice, fairness, charity and humanity.

And anyone like me, with a touch of teh gay and unbelieving, is all about evil, violence, hatred, intolerance, immorality and inhumanity. Without a god and possessing a sexually open attitude, I am a big threat to all that America holds dear. I never really thought about it as I maintain a nearly 20 year marriage, raise three kids, donate time and money to charitable causes, pay my taxes and commit random acts of kindness.

I think I need to take an online course on being evil because I'm just not getting the hang of this thing.

Really, though, all joking aside, I guess what people fear is that if people like me were to rule the world, we would institute all kinds of sick laws and rules and attitudes. We'd fucking wreck the moral bus. Ram it right into a brick wall at full speed. People wouldn't know how to behave anymore and there'd be all kinds of killing, cruelty, buggery and hatred.

Madness would break out all over the place. People would stop going to church, work, school, and the gym. Grocery stores and big box discount places would close and strip clubs, saloons, satanic houses of worship and gay bathhouses would spring up in their place. Farmers would stop growing food and start growing poppies, marijuana and hemp for narcotics production. Instead of slaughtering their animals for food, they'd simply rent them out to people who want to have sex with animals (no, I'm really not considering it!).

Babies, if born at all, would be tossed from hospital windows, bassinets and all. Too noisy, smelly, and helpless. Or worse, they'd be sold to pedophiles for the most horrid of hobbies.

Doctors would switch from the practice of disease prevention and treatment to all cosmetic surgery all the time. DCups or bigger would be mandatory and vaginas everywhere would be rejuvenated. All paid for by tax dollars raked from the wealthy and super wealthy at gunpoint. Those tax collecting guns, by the way, will be held by dew-ragged, African American thugs wearing grills and raised tats on their overgrown chocolate biceps. They'll be backed by crocheted cap wearing Muslims with suicide belts strapped to their hairy chests.

Drug manufacturers would stop making pharmaceuticals that treat, prevent and control diseases and would focus exclusively on sexual performance enhancement drugs, penis enlargement treatments, new and exciting personal lubricants and erectile dysfunction medications.

Gangs of teens will roam malls wearing black clothes, skinny ankle jeans, passing their ghostly white hands across their pale, wan faces absentmindedly shifting the curtain of bangs that keep them from seeing clearly. Partially hair blind, they fall down escalators and bump into walls. Since there will be a proliferation of evil lawyers, lawsuits will abound, but winning litigants will still be broke and on the public dole because the lawyers will keep every dime and no one will stop them for fear that they will cut off campaing contributions.

There would be tatoo parlors on every corner. And they would refuse to ink religious symbols.

Banks and Wall Street would close. We'd use different leaves for currency. Maple leaves would be like singles, pine needles would be pennies, oak leaves tens, you get the idea.

Don't get me started on what music would do, but The Change would begin with a massive bonfire of Pat Boone, Amy Grant, and Toby Keith CDs. In fact, country music would be outlawed. Except for The Dixie Chicks - whole radio stations would be required to play Dixie Chicks music 24/7. Classical music would be relegated to a few places where stuffy, limousine liberals gather. Marilyn Manson would be appointed Minister of High Culture for Life.

Charles Manson would be released from prison, given a set of Ginsu steak knives and given the address of Dick Cheney's previously undisclosed location. John Hinckley, Jr. would be his wingman.

Flags and bras would be burned, anyone wearing a flag lapel pin would have to fear for their safety as roaming gangs of Code Pink activists would threaten to beat them over the head with homemade signs. Former war supporters would steal quietly outside after dark and remove the gold and cammo ribbon magnets from the backs of their vehicles. True believers would stash the magnets in some hidey-hole, hoping for the day when cheerleading for war is de rigueur again.

Fox News would go dark on day at about 7:55 p.m. When the lights came on again, Keith Olbermann's smiling, bespectacled face would be grinning out at the stunned, gaping audience. Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly and Brit Hume would never be heard from again. Rush Limbaugh would die trying to escape from Club Gitmo. He'd be shot in the ass with high-powered weapons as he gets stuck in a wide gap in a fence. "Goodbye cruel world!" he'll be heard to grunt just before his eyes shut for the last time, "I never meant a word of it!"

Caesar Chavez, Fidel Castro, Sean Penn and Rosie O'Donnell would be on President Kucinich's speed dial. Jane Fonda's face would grace billboards everywhere announcing her new radio talk show. "This is what a True Patriot looks like" will read her tagline. The White House would be moved to Hollywood.

Moveon.org will run free daily ads in every newspaper in the country. And Congresswoman Maxine Waters will be appointed to Secretary of Peace.

The death penalty and gun ownership will be outlawed. Ted Nugent would disappear. Six months after The Change, his body would be found stripped naked, stuffed with olives, and buried under shredded Starbucks cups.

Corporate media would be eliminated and ownership laws would bust the monopolies. Liberal college professors would be invited onto mainstream television to talk about education and other things. No Child Left Behind will be repealed and anyone who isn't a secular hedonist liberal will be banned from teaching in public schools.

Head Start and Planned Parenthood would be fully funded. Abortion on demand would be available at your local strip mall and every strip mall would have to have a strip club.

Environmental activists would be appointed to hold powerful positions in the Department of the Interior and at the Environmental Protection Agency. Man-hating lesbians would be put in charge of the NFL, NBA, NHL and Major League baseball.

Peter King, a man who likely considers himself a good Catholic, will say something like we have too many mosques again. The Senate will pass a resolution condemning his statement and any Republicans running for office ever will have microphones thrust in their faces and asked if they will denounce King and his statement. Veiled women, their eager eyes peering from the slits in the black cloth covering their bodies, will stand quietly waiting for the response.

A liberal, me perhaps, will be standing a few feet away. The liberal will smile and motion toward the veiled women who will exchange puzzled looks before shrugging their black-clothed shoulders and walking as a group toward the liberal.

The liberal will clear her throat. "I'd like to declare today that I will run for office,"she'll begin. "But first, I should say that while I do not agree with Representative King's statement, I will tell you that my platform will rest on the principals of freedom and justice. There will be no measure for too few or too many mosques, churches, temples or synagogues. There will be no talk of religion in the realm of politics. I will talk about my policies and what I intend to do to work toward peace, justice and freedom. Thank you."

The black-clad women will pull their abayahs from their heads and fluff their long, beautiful manes. They will chatter among themselves. Finally, one of them will be pushed forward. She smiles at the liberal and takes a deep breath. "What about the allegations that your kind will allow the continued creep of radical religious Muslim rule in the United States?"

The others will elbow each other, smiling. Some are tugging off their burkahs. "Yes, what of it?" one them shouts over the group.

The liberal smiles. "There will always be freedom of religion here. There will also be freedom from religion and its narrow interpretations of sexual roles that serve to underpin and over run our laws," this time, it's the liberal's turn to take a deep breath. She smiles again and says,"And to that I say there are never enough strip clubs and gin joints."

Crossposted at Politits.